April Week 4
What if every time someone mentioned AI you thought they were talking about the steak sauce?
In show business a lot of people casually ask you “what have you been up to?” and you’re never ever supposed to answer with “I’ve spent days staring at a wall,” even if it’s true. After a lot of wall staring, I spent the last couple months of unemployment writing a book. It’s called Murder on Sex Island. I know. I know. I was trying to appeal to everyone.
It’s a mystery about a contestant who goes missing on a reality show called Sex Island (On the show, whoever is best at sex wins $100K. Duh.). So the producers call up glamorous private detective Luella Van Horn to go undercover as a contestant and solve the case. What these producers don’t know is that Luella Van Horn is not a real person. She’s actually Marie Jones, a plain ex-social worker living a double life as a sexy detective in a blonde wig, who just so happens to be a huge fan of the show. But the more Marie-as-Luella learns about Sex Island’s dark underbelly, the harder it gets to make it out alive!
The book turned out to be 257 pages and the general reaction has been, “Why did you do this?” More than one agent has said no within 24 hours, which is the fastest I’ve ever heard anything from an agent. But even if it turns out to just live on my computer as my largest PDF, I want to think it was worth it. Sure, I could have spent this time doing strength training. Sure, I could have been completely ripped by now. But I didn’t, and being creative, when it’s just for yourself, can be energizing in a way. Like have you ever talked to non-Amish people who sew their own clothes? Like they sew fashion clothes for themselves to wear in public? They’re so jazzed, all the time. You compliment their pants, and they’re actually screaming, “I MADE THESE!!! IT COST ME $36 FOR THE FABRIC!!!!” And they are nice pants. If I made them, I’d be screaming, too.
Plus, having six-pack abs would ruin my sense of humor.
This week’s passions include powders in the coffee, limonata, and this one song from Shucked the musical.
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I’m a sucker for putting mystical powders in my coffee and convincing myself they’re doing something. Even if you revealed to me I’d been putting a 1/2 teaspoon of bread flour in there for the last month, I’d be like yes, bread flour is the secret. Maybe it’s something to do with the stirring for that extra 10 seconds. I say to myself: milk is for taste, coffee is for brain, powder is for heart. And then I’ll drink my cup of coffee and feel alright. This could just be because it’s morning and I like morning, or because it’s coffee and I like coffee. Who cares! Gooooo powders!
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Limonata! Imagine what you want to drink right now. Is it lemony, bubbly, a little sweet but not too sweet? The correct answer is Limonata! I attended a friend’s comedy show in a very sweaty basement the other night, and afterwards I bought an ice-cold San Pellegrino Limonata at a deli and walked to the train happy as a clam. Cool breeze + Limonata! WOWWWIE. Awesome! The other flavors are fine, blood orange is pretty good, but Limonata wins every time. If I have a child, that’s gonna be their middle name.
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Right now, on Broadway, there is a large scale musical about corn. They saw there was one about cats, and they said, “we’ll raise you with one about corn.” It’s called Shucked, and as you might imagine, it’s got a lot going on. Two hit singles have been released so far from the Original Broadway Cast Recording. These are the bangers of the show. One is sung by Alex Newell, who plays “Cousin Lulu,” a small business owner who makes corn whiskey and refuses to get married to anyone. Their song is called “Independently Owned.” I listen to it 85 times a week. Basically there’s a moment where Alex’s voice goes up to a super human octave, and the band revs up just right, and it’s all a real Broadway thrill! Makes you kinda forget the whole thing is about corn.
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And now a few from the readers. If you have a passion, send it on over!
Marty: “I am passionate about string cheese. There is something so satisfying about pulling strings from the body of the cheese. And, if pulled just right, many small threads appear that, taken as a whole, literally melt in your mouth. I usually have to hide from my dog to eat these, as he insists on sharing and, as sweet as he is, it basically ruins my joy.”
Felicia: “Lately I am passionate about buying two tickets to things I am excited about. That way I have a spare ticket for a TBD friend or I've made a lil donation to something cool.”
Julia: “I am passionate about: coffee in the morning. Sounds obvious. But every day, no matter what, i get up half an hour before i actually have to, make coffee, FROTH the milk, carry it back to bed, and drink it in bed. it‘s the best part of my day most days, and a good reason for getting out of bed (until i go back to bed with the coffee).”
Wait til Julia hears about powders!!!
Ali: “My name is Ali and my passions are oranges and tangerines! Once you've removed the first layer of an orange its already in perfect slices. Also if an orange is to big for you there are smaller versions like tangerines. They are perfect!”
Natalie: “I am extremely passionate about corn. It rules in every format. When I have some free time and I’m home alone, I treat myself by making taco shells with a dough made from masa and blended corn and then eat them with a creamed corn and charred corn filling. Then I eat chocolate covered corn kernel snacks from a brand called Love Corn. Last year, I went to a restaurant and they had a savoury custard made….with corn! I genuinely got a little teary eyed. I also grew corn in my garden one year and the whole experience was a delight. If I remember correctly, in the film Interstellar the world is in a global warming induced crisis and only has corn left as a viable crop. A comforting thought!”
Natalie, have I got a Broadway musical for you…
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That’s a stew, brother,
Jo