I hope you’re sitting down. This week’s passions include the perfect crime, Rolos, fun shoes, and the Barnes and Noble bathrooms.
The other day, I saw it was time to do a load of laundry again. I’m fairly certain I wear the same thing everyday but somehow the basket always becomes a pile. In the basement of my building, there is one coin-operated washer and one coin-operated dryer. These machines are usually guarded by two semi-alert water bugs. At ease, gentlemen.
When I got down there, I saw someone had a load in the dryer with 30 minutes to go— the same amount of time it takes for the washer to do its thing. Wahoo! I put my clothes in for a cold-water-medium-filth cycle. 30 minutes later I came down to find both our machines finished, but the dryer person was nowhere to be found. I had plans (I didn’t), I had places to be (I didn’t), and most of all I was impatient (I was)! Maybe it was all that mild weather we’d had. I felt emboldened to do something nasty. So I did.
I removed their warm dry clothes and put them on top of the dryer and put my wet clothes in. What ensued was 70 minutes of dread. I came down to collect my dry clothes, half expecting my neighbor to be standing there with their arms crossed, their face tear-streaked, whisper-shouting, “Why. Why!” But there was no one there, and not only that, their clothes were still piled on top of the dryer! I quickly retrieved my clothes and then realized… I could do the perfect crime. I put their clothes back in the dryer as if I had never even been there. I felt a glee like that Catch Me If You Can guy must’ve felt. I went back upstairs and proceeded to smugly fold my laundry. And that’s when I learned I was missing a sock. My heart sank. My pink frilly sock was probably now resting in the dryer amidst my neighbor’s twice manhandled laundry. A criminal’s calling card. Nancy Grace lesson learned: we all get caught at some point. *
There is no better candy than Rolos. They’ve been underrated for centuries. They’re not joking around — they’re wrapped in gold foil! The chocolate is good, the texture is chewy, the shape is mini tupperwear. Milk duds, take note.
Fun shoes. It’s been so cold, I’ve taken to wearing the big coat for dog walks. It’s a hooded down coat that’s tan and goes all the way down to my ankles and also covers my whole pinhead head. It makes me look like a walking Jenga block. The only thing you can see is my shoes. So I’ve been having a little fun. The Jenga block wears gold snakeskin boots. Don’t see that everyday! Jenga block with Rolo feet!
I’ll try not to get too crass here, but there is nothing more grounding than going number 2 in a Barnes and Noble bathroom. Try getting good news or bad news or even feeling any sort of strong emotion. Going number 2 (let’s face it, it’s number 3) in a Barnes and Noble bathroom is the grand reset. Welcome back. You’re yourself again. It’s like journaling!
Stay as warm as you can!
Jo
*YESTERDAY I FOUND THE SOCK CRUMPLED UP IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BED!!!! I GOT AWAY WITH THE PERFECT CRIME!
**I PRAY MY NEIGHBORS DO NOT READ THIS NEWSLETTER
