January Week 1

starting the year easy

I am not one for resolutions or even long-term goals mostly because they seem so unachievable. But one time, my catering boss drove me home after work, and she owned a convertible. We drove across the Brooklyn Bridge after a sweaty night of serving chicken cordon bleu balls (as in “may i offer you a chicken cordon bleu ball?”). The wind was in our faces as we whizzed past the bright lights of the city, and I thought this could be a goal. Driving a convertible over the Brooklyn Bridge very late at night. Maybe in 2024. Maybe I’ll start a small business and take passengers 4 at a time. Open Top Bridge Dreams Come True LLC.

Passions this week include Buzzfeed quizzes that are clearly written by AI, when you think you step in a big pile of dog crap turns out just a wet napkin, and weak exercise.

I got off social media which meant I was extra thirsty for time-wasting activities on the internet. Then I found Buzzfeed quizzes that are clearly written by AI. One of them was like pick your favorite cookie and we’ll tell you what your personality was like as a baby. I took one that was literally pick a cafeteria lunch and we’ll tell you how old you are. I ended up selecting a corn dog, french fries, and a coffee, and the quiz told me I was 19 years old. Incredible stuff.

If I had to do the math, I’d say 80% of dog owners leave their dog’s shit on the ground. This is just based on the amount of turds I see on a regular basis. I’ve stepped in a few, and it is unpleasant. However, when you think you step in a big pile of dog turds but it turns out it’s just a wet napkin, well, that’s a freaking gift.

I don’t know what this exercise is called or even if it is exercise but I have been doing this thing in the mornings where I try to touch my left foot with my right hand and my right foot with my left hand. I wanna say this is calisthenics but I can’t be certain. Every bone starts popping. My skeleton is saying whoa whoa whoa. It feels like a stretch but when I do it a little faster than normal, it might be considered weak exercise.

And now a few from the readers:

Ethan: “Lately, my go-to afternoon pick me up has been six Oreos, which is the number of Oreos that come in a snack pack, and notably twice the recommended Oreo serving size. There's no resealing that snack pack, and it's not as if you're going to transfer the remaining three Oreos to a baggie for later, so you get the queasy rush of eating too many Oreos (no guarantees if you’re younger than 30) but instead of tumbling downhill toward inhaling an entire sleeve it's six Oreos and you're done with very little evidence to destroy, which means I can't help but be grateful in this case that a corporation understands better than me what I want.”

Felicia: “I am passionate about maintaining mysteries in life and appreciating the un-google-able. For instance, every Friday morning in the cafe where I perform menial tasks on my laptop, a woman wearing a witch's hat leads a group of 6-8 children with snot absolutely dripping down their face. They each get a cookie, sit at a community table, and take over the cafe for twenty minutes. It's one of the best parts of my week. I have zero interest in understanding where these children are coming from, why they always have a cold, or what the deal is with the witch's hat.”

Helaine: “John. Paul. George. Ringo. Why? Everything about them is my real answer but I'll say: Harmonies. Their vocal harmonies and whenever I'm dealing with any aspect of them... I'm in harmony with the universe.”

corn dog, coffee, 19 years old,

Jo